Carla
Daddy frightens me and he doesn’t love me or mummy anymore. I want to climb onto his knee like when I was a baby girl and smell his strong breath and wrinkle my nose up. He always pushes me away now, so hard I fall on my bottom. Once, when it hurt I cried and then he slapped me. I’ve seen him punch mummy. She just goes, ‘Oh!’ and tries to stop from crying because that makes him hit her eyes and face so they go purple coloured.
It’s Sunday. I know what Sunday is because I don’t have to go to school. I want to go because I’m not frightened there even though I miss mummy. I want to stop doing wees in my pants because the other kids tease me, but my teacher said it’s alright and takes me to the toilet a lot. He’s nice and he talks to me while I’m waiting to pee so that the other kids won’t make me cry. One day he said I could sit on his knee after school when mummy was late and I couldn’t stop sobbing because I wanted it to be daddy when he loved us.
I went out to the garden in the morning to pick some flowers. I wanted to make a special jar of them for the table so everyone would be happy and sunshine would be in our house. I took a long time because I like doing flowers. They have to be right with pretty colours and the green bits without flowers just so.
I didn’t think anyone noticed the flowers so I said,
‘Mummy, do you like our Sunday flowers?’ She gave me one of her funny, I call them ‘half a smiles’, and patted my hand.
‘Lovely, sweetheart,’ she said but I know she didn’t see them because she always knows my special ones and looks at them properly. Her face was puffy like mine when I’ve been crying a lot so I asked in my grown up voice,
‘What’s the matter, mummy,’ but she shook her head and twisted her mouth without saying anything and kept moving things around in the kitchen. I think she was upset with daddy because she was watching the door to the bedroom where he was sleeping.
Sometimes mummy eats little lollies and doesn’t share. She calls them mummy’s helpers and says they’re not for little girls. One day I’ll be big enough to have some and be able to smile with a sleepy face like mummy does. That’s when I like it. When mummy can’t stop smiling and Daddy’s not home, then me and Mummy lie down for a nap. Maybe I can sneak a smiley helper one day and lie down with mummy to make everything alright.
Mummy hasn’t had a smiley helper today because daddy’s home and he gets angry when mummy’s happy. He says he wants to wipe that stupid smile off her face. When mummy’s upset I have a big stone in my tummy that’s cold and hard and makes me feel like chucking up all the time. I had the stone in my tummy while mummy waited for daddy to wake up and have his breakfast. He’s a cook in a hotel and works at night while I’m sleeping. I wake up when he comes home because he’s noisy and always shouting, putting more stones into my tummy. That’s when I’m too scared to go pee. Sometimes I wet my bed after I fall asleep again but mummy says it doesn’t matter.
Daddy came into the kitchen and stood by the door making loud burpy noises. I didn’t laugh because he doesn’t like that. His face was very big with lots of whiskers and piggy red eyes. I asked him once why his eyes were sore in the morning and I got a smack so I stay quiet now. Mummy put his mug of coffee on the table. She’s been making hot water for hours because daddy’s really angry when he has to wait for the jug to boil.
He had a sip of his coffee and then spat and banged his hand on the table really hard. My tummy stone plopped into my throat when I jumped with a fright and then I said, ‘Oh, daddy,’ when I saw my flower jar fall over.
I watched the water and wanted to stop it running across the table to daddy but I couldn’t move. I looked at mummy to help but she was just staring with her mouth all open. Daddy shouted some words that mummy says are really bad. He says them a lot but this was screamy loud when the water fell off the table into daddy’s lap. He jumped up calling mummy horrid names that it was her fault and she was stupid. I was so frightened that he would hurt me when he found out they were my flowers that I ran to the sofa to hide behind it. Nobody can see me in my cosy space where the sofa back touches the wall and I can peep round the edge when I want to.
I had to keep blinking; my tears were stinging my eyes and I pushed my hand into my mouth to stop daddy hearing my sobs. Daddy was poking mummy’s chest with his finger.
‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing? I look like I’ve pissed myself,’ daddy yelled. Mummy just looked at the floor and I could see her crying face coming. ‘I get it,’ daddy growled, ‘Carla again, I’ve told you to keep that dumb little shit on a tighter rein. What the fuck’s the matter with you?’
Daddy shoved mummy so she fell against the pantry door. He got his big brown bottle, filled up a coffee mug, drank that in one go and poured another lot. He had a different nasty voice, not shouty but mean. ‘I’ll give that little snot another hiding. She’s no kid of mine, always mooning around without a brain in her head.’
His voice was blurry like cotton wool was in his mouth. ‘So whose bastard is it?’
Mummy threw the tea towel she was holding at daddy.
‘You know perfectly well she’s yours,’ she shouted and I felt ice in my tummy.
Daddy didn’t like mummy yelling.
‘Though god knows how you found time between your whoring around and pissing it up. Suppose you’re going to finish that scotch before you go to work?’
Daddy didn’t say anything and it was so still I could hear the cars going up the road outside. Mummy started again.
‘You’re a drunk and a lousy bully, taking your shit out on Carla and me all the time.’
He drank down another mug and put it on the bench, not looking at her as mummy kept going with words I didn’t know.
‘Now you’ve met your match with your new boss, I told you about the thieving, but you never listened.’
I didn’t see him turn but just heard a popping sound. Mummy flew back like she was a doll in my magic movie and hit the pantry with a really loud bang. I watched her flop forward to the kitchen floor and then couldn’t see her behind the bench. Daddy still didn’t say anything. He picked up his bottle and went into the bedroom, banging the door.
Still, like a mouse I was, in case daddy came back to smack me. I couldn’t stop the shivers that made my teeth rattle for a long time and then I dreamed. Daddy was little like me, standing in smoky air with his hands stretched out for me to run to. But I couldn’t move. I was afraid and the smoke was thicker like black milk. I woke up with a jump and looked around the sofa. The bedroom door was open and it was quiet so I crept out to see where mummy was. When I looked around the bench I saw mummy sleeping on the kitchen floor. She sounded funny, making little snorty noises so I shook her a bit but she didn’t want to wake up. Daddy had made a big red mark on the side of her face and there was a little bleeding bit on her head that made the dish cloth red when I mopped it off. She looked so sad it made me cry.
I got the chair from mummy’s bedroom that she put her clothes on at night and carried it to the bathroom. I had to lift it all the way to stop any noise that daddy might hear and come back so I was puffed out. But I had to hurry like getting ready for school. It was easy to climb up to the little white cupboard where mummy kept her smiley lollies but I forgot about getting down from the bench. I put my bum on the edge of the basin and stretched my toes down and just reached the chair again but I had the lolly thing in my hand and it slipped into the sink. I was going to cry again when I saw the top was fallen off and lollies were spilt out wet in the sink. Then it was alright because lots were still in the thing.
‘Mummy, mummy I’ve got your smiley lollies,’ I whispered.
Mummy didn’t want to wake up eat them but I knew what to do. Like how mummy gets me to eat my dinners if I’m not hungry.
‘Look mummy we can be happy together now. Look mummy here’s one for you.’
I popped one into mummy’s mouth, ‘And one for me.’
I took a sip of water like mummy does with her lollies and then dribbled some into mummy’s mouth. She gave a little cough and then swallowed down. I was already so happy. I pushed all of mummy’s into her mouth with little bits of water and then ate mine. They were very tiny so only one got stuck in my throat and I coughed that one up onto the floor.
I got mummy’s nice pillow off her bed and my pretty ballet one. Her head was very heavy and she made funny noises when I lifted it but she looked lots better. I lay down with mummy holding her cold hand, rubbing it to make it nice and warm. She would start to smile soon. We both would.
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